Life-Altering June

When school ended in May, I was so excited for the summer. The kids had their stuff lined up, which didn’t seem to be too overwhelming and it looked, overall, to be a relaxing summer.

And then I decided to get abdominoplasty and breast implants. Now, I can go on and on about why I did it but everyone has their own feelings about plastic surgery. I refuse to defend my decision because I didn’t do it for anyone else except me. It was the most selfish thing I’ve ever done. The recovery was longer and harder than I expected. But I don’t regret it. Not even for a minute. I’d do it again tomorrow.

But again, it made June very interesting. For a large part of the month, I didn’t recognize my body and felt like my skin was too small for me. I was uncomfortable and unable to do most of the things I love to do in the summer. There was a lot of board games and movie-watching and book reading. I often felt claustrophobic and twitchy. Even doing my job with the swim team was arduous at times. Driving the kids around to swim and soccer and play-dates required extra-time and a nap afterwards. I literally got nothing accomplished. I would plan dinners and then make sandwiches instead… or just wait for Jace to get home and, tearfully, ask him to take over.

We had visitors. Lots of visitors… which I loved… except that I was often hobbling around at a 45 degree angle. But they gave me something to look forward to.

My friend, Jordan, who I spent my first couple years of college with and knew me pre and post chemo was a super fun surprise this summer. She brought her girls down which provided endless entertainment for Sydney as they holed up for hours and played Barbie's, dolls, dress-up and all manner of creative-make-believe-games. Jordan’s a doctor now and we got together with our other freshman roommate – Laurie – and she just defended her dissertation.

Yeah. They are total rock-stars and make me dream a little bigger. Even as I heard them describe how hard their schooling had been over the last 10 years, I got hungry. My brain got restless. Not now… because my kids are still my top priority but one day. I will go back to school and get my Master’s.

And THEN. When things couldn’t get any more interesting – my husband, quite unexpectedly, lost his job. No. He lost his career. The only thing he’d every done since graduating from college 11 years ago. The career he loved, poured his heart and soul into and saw himself in until retirement. He was all in – every part of him.

Everything in our world just stopped. And one day soon, I will tell you all the beautiful and hard realities that his termination brought into our life, but for now we’re still treading water.

And all of a sudden, we were unemployed. And we had disappointment, anger, resentment and love, peace and joy fill us up all in the same moment. Because only a few days passed and Jace was offered a completely new opportunity with a new company. It was Overwhelming. Beautiful. Hard. Different.

He will be working from home.

From. Home.

But he doesn’t start until August.

For the last 11 years, I have raised my children, chauffeured my children, neglected my children – not without his support and love – but without his hands. For the last 2 weeks, he has had a front row seat to the challenge it is to raise these children. He has patched holes in our walls, cleaned behind appliances that I can’t move and participated in driving them around, enforcing bedtimes and leveling consequences. He has been 100% hands-on, rather than hands-off.

I don’t recognize my life.

What I have been reminded of (again), is that I am Not in control. It is in the hands of a power Greater than my own – and that is Good.  And while I try to breathe through these experiences and roll with the punches, mostly I just try to keep my eyes on the bigger picture and remember what’s most important to me and keep doing the things that have to be done.  And not break. Or climb into bed and never come out.

I try to remember that regardless of health, employment, finances, success, location or possessions, what I have in my children, my husband, my friends and my family is the strength that I draw on and literally collapse upon when the unexpected happens. and those people who allowed Jace and I to do that this month have changed me… made me better… made me cherish and love them and realize that it will all be okay.

We didn’t break. We got a little weighed down but we were pushed back up… and held up by the love we have for each other and the love we drew from others. I let myself feel peace in God and humility in feeling about as small as piece of sand in this great big universe. And despite the all the changes that brought fear, anger, sadness  pain, THAT is what I will remember most about this June.