Spin it

With all the changes to our life in the past few months, every member of our little household is having to adjust in their own little (or big) way.

for me, it’s just trying to stay centered and focused and not worry too much. For those who know me best, that’s pretty much the hardest thing in the world. I don’t do well with transitions… and right now, life is one giant transition. So, I’m reading my Bible and doing my daily devotions, saying my prayers, getting back to the gym and trying to keep a consistent sense of normalcy with the kids. But most importantly, I’m trying to enjoy the little shining moments of motherhood in between the hard ones.

for Gavin, he’s mimicking me. He internalizes and worries and is trying to make my life easy. When he sees the crazed look in my eyes, he backs off, runs and hides… Bless his soul. It may be that he is simply getting older, but he helps me out SO MUCH and I don’t know what I’d do without him.  But I get concerned that he takes life too seriously, worries too much and takes responsibility for things he shouldn’t. So, we try to remind him to enjoy being a kid… he has the rest of his life to be a grown-up.

Sydney is acting out. She is pushing boundaries and growing a bit of a spine. I’m fine with that – even though we still discipline her for being disrespectful at home. But she’s a girl and in this world, if she wants to accomplish anything, she has to be tough. The boys in this house cater to her – often helping her with things she does NOT need help with. I stop that when I see it – she needs confidence in her own abilities. She is definitely adored in this house and so I’m glad she feels comfortable enough to test the waters of rebellion a little bit and still feel loved.

Aj is struggling. He’s not processing things the way he should and the little voice that used to tell him how bad he is has returned with a vengeance. Unfortunately, I walk a fine line with him between loving and coddling him… as he often tries to manipulate a situation with tears and anger. When given a consequence, he tries to bargain and negotiate his way out of it… often blaming someone or something else for his behavior. And when I tell him he needs to work for something (a reward), he quits without trying. It’s the whole, “can’t win, don’t try” mentality. Admittedly, I’ve not been doing the best at managing this. I attempted an honest conversation with this child last night and we recognized we both need to quiet that little voice in our heads that says, “you suck.”

I told Aj:

“you know, I’m not perfect. We all mess up. You messed up today. But so did I, so did Sydney and so did Daddy. God made us so we mess-up all the time… if you have blood in your veins and air in your lungs, you’re going to make mistakes. That’s okay. But what he doesn’t want us to do is to feel guilty about it. Guilt doesn’t help us fix our mess-ups. Guilt makes us dwell on all the bad things we’ve done and only make us feel badly about ourselves. You gotta change that voice that says, “you shouldn’t have done {all those things you did}, you’re a bad person for doing that, and no one really likes/loves you.” You gotta spin those bad thoughts into good one.”

Aj told me:

“I don’t know how to do that. I can’t.”

I told Aj:

“today, I lost my temper. I yelled. And that voice is telling me that I’m a bad mom because I got angry and yelled instead of responding with love while being firm.”

Aj:

“you are NOT a bad mom! you’re a good mom!”

Me:

“and you’re a good Aj. but that voice likes it when I feel bad so it lies to me and it lies to you. So, instead of listening to it, I’m going to spin it around and make me feel like I have more power than that voice. I’m going to say, ‘Tomorrow, I’m going to speak kindly to my children and show more love.’ How can you spin your voice?”

Aj:

“I can tell it that, ‘tomorrow, I’m going to listen to my mom and say something nice to her instead of argue.”

 

The light bulb went off for that child and now when I say to him, “buddy, you need to ‘SPIN IT!’”, he’ll know what I mean. Hopefully, together, we can quiet that voice.

As a parental figure, I sometimes forget to be a human. My children don’t know that I experience the same feelings of insecurity, worry and loneliness that they do. I try to be an example of strength and resiliency so they will know that when life is hard, they can be able to bend and not break. Sometimes that works. But, I find, that more often than not, what they need is to figure out a way to cope from someone who knows where they’ve been because they are already there. Someone who loves them and knows them at their best and worst. Someone they trust. Someone they can be vulnerable with and know they will be safe. That’s hard for me. I can be the tough mom… I want to be soft, nurturing, comforting mom but I struggle with showing my own weaknesses to others. I struggle with letting my children show their weaknesses, too. BUT, it seems that someone, somewhere, is determined to teach me that admitting your weaknesses is different from being weak.

From now on, I will not listen to the voice that tells me “you suck” because I show my children how to be vulnerable and that being imperfect is just the way it is supposed to be.  I know I’m not perfect and I know I will have lots of mess-ups; however, I’m determined to show my munchkins that when life gets hard and that voice in my head wants me to dwell on everything I’ve messed up, I’m learning to “SPIN IT”.