Thursday, November 14, 2013

Inside out, Upside down and Backwards

Hello, blogging world. It's been a while. I've been tired lately... deep down tired. Too tired to process what is actually happening; too tired to write it all down.

And I regret it. Because I'm sure I've missed recording moments that I won't remember.

But I needed to retreat a little. Because I was empty and looking for approval, every time I sat down at the computer - whether it was email, Facebook or blogs - I was craving to be "liked".

At some point in the last couple of months, I realized that I just don't care if I'm loved or approved or by too many people. There are 4 people that I don't ever want to disappoint but they share a mailing address with me. And they don't have internet access. And they love me so deeply, fiercely and with so much loyalty that I truly feel safe with them... Love... Approval.

My life has changed so much in the last 6 months that I barely recognize it. My husband is HOME, people. He is home and he is HELPFUL. Yes, I am internet yelling that because he is really and truly HERE. When I get an email from a teacher, a panicked phone call from a child or two of my completely opposite children have practice at the same time but in locations roughly 5 miles away from each other and I am at work, should be at work or am late for work, he is HERE. He rescues me. He rescues them. He gets in his car and he drives to where they are, where I am, where whatever the thing is that is throwing everyone into a tizzy is and he SAVES us.

I can breathe again.

I thought I was a good mom. I thought I had it all under control. I thought I was tough enough to be both he and I and do a kick-ass job at it so Jace could continue providing for us in his old job.

I did the best I could. I really did. I did okay. I am perfectly OKAY with the best that I was doing.

But, THIS is so much better.

I am not a great dad. I am not great at handling the stress of being ripped in multiple directions constantly. I am not good at handling the guilt of not dealing with that stress well-enough that I ended up in tears at the dinner table every night.

This is so much better.

He makes my coffee when I wake up and makes breakfast while I fix hair and I make sure clothes match and socks are found. We both send the kids off to school. We go to the gym together. I go to work. He stays at home and works. He leaves to go on calls and appointments. I come home and prepare dinner - either in the crockpot or in a casserole dish. The kids come home and we do snacks and homework. Sometimes the house gets cleaned. He comes home. I take ONLY THE KIDS to the pool who need to practice while I go to work. I STAY there because I don't actually have to leave to run anyone to soccer... or futsal... or anywhere else. He gets home and finishes up dinner. I come home and we actually have family time because dinner happens BEFORE 7. Then we snuggle. We don't fight. We snuggle, we kiss, we hug, we talk. We actually snuggle, kiss, hug and talk on WEEKDAYS.

This is SO much BETTER.

I used to think that if my husband worked from home, I would HATE it because it would ruin my rhythm.

I was wrong.

I was more wrong about that than anything I've ever been wrong about... and there has been a lot - and I mean A LOT - of things I've been wrong about.

We found ourselves a rhythm and it's magic. With him helping me and rescuing me and saving me all the time, I now can focus my energy on kicking ass at the things that matter most to me: My husband, my kids, my relationship with God, my preschool students and my swim team.

I am breathing again.

It took me a minute to realize that when I leaned into my husband to breathe, I could breathe easier. Now that I've figured it out... I can BREATHE and I can WRITE.

I'm finding myself thinking about writing again. I'm finding myself pulled to the keyboard to record the thoughts I'm having about having these children and these jobs and this husband and this LIFE.

I'm excited. I'm SO excited to start putting it out there again and recording this blessed life that God has given me. I'm excited to reread it again in a few years and feel blessed all over again. I hope you can feel joy and inspiration, if you choose to join me here. If not, I get it.

I will still keep writing.

As crazy as this new life is for me, I don't want to miss one minute of it.

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