Random ramblings on a Wednesday

Being able to play the piano is the greatest gift my parents and my Uncle Bill gave me. It has been my escape more than one time in my life – when I just couldn’t think through my emotions and I just sat down and played and played until the keys absorbed any and all feelings that were encompassing me. In addition, I’m finding that listening to my kiddos play, practice, create or just hit a note or two when they walk by – has the same effect. It overrides any negativity I’m feeling and fills this home with light and joy. It’s just a fresh breath to me.

We took Aj to the therapist yesterday – it’s a standing monthly thing we do. She’s so great. We had a long talk about genetics and she said that although we are dealing with a 60% genetic issue, we can overcome that through consistency, structure and clear communications of expectations and consequences without any large “upheaval” (aka – me losing my temper). I do okay keeping things clear and consistent but I do tend to get a little excited more often than is necessary. We’ve also started Aj on some medication to try to even out his moods. Although, BECAUSE of genetics, we haven’t ruled out bipolar disorder yet.

Seriously, hearing that your 7-year old could possibly be bipolar is a punch to the stomach. So, I don’t think about it. Just one day at a time. My prayers go something like this, “and please bless I can remember that I’m the parent and the one who ultimately dictates the mood in our home. Help me not to be a total witch today and be patient, kind, empathetic and laugh just a little more.”

Here’s the thing with Aj… no one sees what he’s like but those closest to him. He’s really good at keeping his guard up with other people he doesn’t trust. Different story on my end. I have two other kids. I know what normal is – and even argue and deal with defiance and disobedience with them. If I could put into words how wonderful and difficult that child is, all at the same time, I would. But I can’t. So, we deal with it. We are constantly in communication with the school, his coaches and anyone else in his life to keep things under control. When I’m vigilant, all is well in the world. And when I’m not, all hell breaks loose. Seriously. There are no days off in our house.

I went to the gym this morning. Last week, I only got there twice. I’m hoping to make up for it this week. My new goal is that I go when I’ve got the opportunity because I don’t usually know what the next week will bring, as far as kids’ schedules and my husband being out-of-town. Sometimes that means I go twice in a day. Sometimes that means I go twice in a week. I’ve given up on having any sort of routine and I just fit it in when I can. I know it’s important to me and I know I’m a better person when I go, so I just squeeze it in whenever I get the opportunity. Usually that means I have to give up TV or some other fun, pointless activity. Boo. But I do love pushing my body to do things I never dreamed I would be doing.

13 years ago, tomorrow, I finished treatment for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I remember going to cancer camp and not being able to see a day in advance and not knowing what the future would hold. I was truly terrified and hopeful of the where life would take me. I just did what I could – what I felt good enough to do – on a daily basis. My life now is so much different than I thought it would be but so similar at the same time. I truly believe the greatest lesson cancer taught me is that we really don’t have the ability to see more and do more than what we can do today. We just have to be the best we can be, today, because tomorrow, everything could change. It could even be gone.

And I, for one, don’t want to have a single regret.