Growing up

My Gavs is growing up.

He's no longer a little boy whom i can just tell what to do, how to think, what to BE.

He lives to make me happy - to please me and make me proud.

It's a little nerve-wracking.

Sometimes, i forget to ask him what he's thinking and how he feels about things. Sometimes, I forget to listen.

He's not a talker, that one. He's a doer. He makes decisions and goes for it. He processes everything internally. He's responsible and I rarely worry about him.

Except when I do.

He struggles with making friends. He struggles with wanting to grow up to fast. He struggles with wanting to be a kid forever and play  make-believe. He struggles with always needing to be the center of attention and he struggles with reacting too strongly to people around him.

He started to open up to me yesterday that he's a loner at school. When i told him to let me finish up homework with his brother so i could give him my full attention, he said, dejectedly,  "never-mind."

It breaks my heart.

I told him later that he needs to give me the chance to listen and I'll try better to be available. I also told him that ALL i will do is listen when he needs to talk, unless he asks for my opinion or advice.

Most of these things I can't fix for him. I can't maneuver this life for him. i can't tell him what he should think, feel or do. When I do, he resents it. When I don't, he resents it. So, i'm just here. And willing to listen. When he wants to be my toddler and let me fix it, i will. and when he wants to be a grown-up and figure it all out on his own, i'll just be his soft place to fall.

This is hard.

He's good at so many things and he knows it. I'm glad he has the ability to recognize his strengths and his weaknesses. And i'm glad that when he DOES talk to me, he speaks from the heart.

He's growing up.

And all i can do is watch.