On Parenthood and Being Bald

So - do you watch the tv show 'Parenthood'? I do. I love it.

 

Last season, Christina got diagnosed with breast cancer.

 

Those closest to me know how big a fear that is for me.

 

Blah.

 

So, this season has been all about her battle with cancer, her chemo treatment and all it's "fun".

 

They are doing a REALLY good job portraying how much it all sucks. how you are so sick some days, how GOOD you feel on other days, how you crave to be 'normal' again and how crazy it makes you.

 

i told jace that he needs to watch carefully, because if i ever get sick again, not only will i be *THAT* physically ill but i will also be *THAT* crazy.

 

cancer messes with your head... BIG time. anyone who's had it knows EXACTLY what i mean. in fact, anyone who has ever had any sort of terminal illness knows what i mean. it's just so screwed up.

 

so last night, i was watching with Jace (because i'm really not allowed to watch this season alone anymore) and she's out with her sisters at a club because she's feeling good and wants to go out and be normal.

 

i told Jace - "just watch - she's gonna lose her hair."

 

i was right.

 

so, she's sitting at dinner and her hair starts to fall out. 'cause that's what it does. it just starts falling out when you least expect it to... and usually when you're feeling A-Okay. it's a delayed side effect. the first time, for me, took about 2 weeks. i was done barfing, my counts were good and then i was reading and messing with my hair and all of a sudden it was in my hands. in big clumpy, downy-fine, pony-tail-sized chunks.

 

ugh.

 

i stayed up that whole night 'cause i had a serious fear of waking up and finding my hair on my pillow.

 

totally crazy.

 

Christina did the same thing.

 

i'm watching this episode and it was like it was happening all over again. i could feel it in my body... like it was me on that show and it was me shaving my head and it was ME. Jace just kept petting me and saying, "are you alright?" and of course, i was NOT alright. it was like my life had rewound 13 years and i couldn't stop it.

 

and i hated it all over again.

 

and the husband on the show kept saying, 'but, honey, you look beautiful!' and she did look beautiful, but she didn't believe him. because you don't feel beautiful and you don't feel normal. you feel different. more different than you look. but freakish. and you wish more than anything that your hair could come back and that you would never have to throw-up, have mouth sores or bone pain and that you could get rid of that damn cancer with some advil.

 

but it's just not that easy.

 

and it NEVER goes away.

 

and every paper, at every doctor's office, at every dentist's visit, you have to check the box that says "cancer" and "surgeries" and "blood transfusion"... and it's kind of like you have to take a deep breath that, yes, it was real. and yes, it happened to you.

 

i'm lucky. i have the memory of living, fighting, beating and surviving cancer. it's not just my family members that have that memory. and i'm grateful... SO grateful for that. and when i take my deep breath and swallow my reality, i tell God 'thank-you', and he knows EXACTLY what i'm talking about. and then i hurt... for every person i knew and loved that doesn't get to check that box and has left a parent, a spouse, a sibling, a child, a friend to have that memory WITHOUT them there.

 

the receptionist at my boys' allergist is bald. and i love her so much just because she sometimes doesn't wear a scarf to cover it. i make sure to look in her eyes. to smile at her and talk about bills, their reactions, the weather and everything we used to talk about before she was bald. i don't pretend it's not there but i do try to LOOK at her and make her NOT invisible. because THAT's the worst. when you feel like  when you lost your hair, you also became invisible.

 

this season of Parenthood is kind of crappy. it's tough to watch. i need it to be funny again because i'm sure i'll keep watching. and i'm sure Jace will keep petting me. and i'll wish, every Tuesday, that this season is over and that next season, it gets happy again. i really can't wait for that.