Guilty chewing

Sometimes, in my way of overextending myself, I bite off more than I can chew. like, think cow and hay. You know, i'm chewing and chewing and stuff keeps hanging out of my mouth and i'm trying to catch it but it ends up in a bigger pile of hay that I MEANT to chew but it just plain fell out.

It's May. My second time of the year in which I reflect. And I get soooo antsy. I could jump out of my own skin - i'm so ready for summer. And I start to think about how well I survived the school year.

This year got interesting. I decided I could teach preschool 5 morning a week and volunteer three afternoons per week and then somewhere mid-winter, I decided that it was totally within my realm to take on a position managing the swim team. Sure. Why not? My kids don't need a mother. I don't need to eat lunch or do laundry or buy groceries. That will all take care of itself.

Except it doesn't. It just piles up until your kids end up going commando in basketball shorts and all you have in the fridge is milk, bacon and tater tots.

Something had to give.

I cut back on volunteering.

Because, in my own opinion (and it's my life so that's really the only opinion that counts... and i'm pretty hard on myself so I try to listen to that opinion occasionally), teaching preschoolers and making sure those 130 kids have a TEAM is valuable work. It's exhausting but rewarding. When those munchkins "get" patterning or recognize a sight word or turn to the title page of a book ALL BY THEMSELVES, I get a secret thrill. And when one of our swimmers march with pride to accept awards that THEY have earned or look at the clock after a race and see a PR or high-five their best friend for a great workout, I allow myself a second to know that I was a small part of that victory.

It's the little things in these jobs that make all the crappy parts worth it.

But I can't give up being a mom. Nor do I want to. That's my job that has the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. I couldn't be prouder or more frustrated with my children. They are exactly like me and completely opposite.

And they NEED me. And when I'm running on low, disorganized, impatient, malnourished, TIRED... we all suffer. Them the most. So I made an executive decision.

I cut back on volunteering.

And the guilt... THE GUILT that has given me. I hate it. I can't get rid of it. I sit and eat lunch and read my little spiritual devotions for the day and think "see, I've got a half hour... I should be helping out." but I don't. I keep eating and I keep reading and I fold some socks and watch some tv. sometimes I watch a lot of tv. what can I say? I love Grey's Anatomy.

So, I'm learning to make piece with the guilt. You know... ask it if it wants to watch another episode of Grey's and have some chips. We're getting to be good companions. Mostly because I realize that sometimes the guilt is ok. It reminds me that a little bit of indulgence is good but a lot bit is selfish and that my kids absolutely CANNOT go commando in basketball shorts so I really need to get to the laundry.

And it reminds me that it's okay not to answer that email. And that it's okay to ignore a couple of texts while I'm snuggling my kids.

As my mom says, I'm good at guilt. But I'm learning to let it teach me... to let it help me prioritize and really think about what I can push aside until tomorrow. And there's a lot being pushed aside. But it's ok.

It's really ok. The hay that I tried to chew but dropped will be there tomorrow... unless some other cow picked it up. And to that cow, I say - Thank-you. Enjoy.